This is Chapter Two

//I quit my job and will spend the summer traveling. This is my best attempt at putting my feelings into words//

Change is arriving, slowly first and now all at once. Chapter One closed with lofty goodbyes, double entendre'd tears, enchanting new beginnings, and little time left to process it all. The weather turned at the brink of the new month, gray clouds and morose moods occupied the once clear air, conversations grew heavy like the morning fog.

My ongoing & underlying state of derealization silently intensified as time drifted further into the future; the plans that were iridescent figments of ideas had morphed into opaque Google Calendar events, unemotionally itemizing my next three months. I had chosen to view my future as a black and white spreadsheet of confirmation numbers and receipts; now it shines proudly in vibrant color.

Maintaining presence throughout this final countdown was difficult when every conversation revolved around my future. The packing list had been written, edited, rewritten again. A trivial task that mimics productivity, one that occupies my thoughts in order to repress my emotions. As I explained my goodbye to another coworker, I operated on autopilot as the words orderly escaped my mouth, yet were inescapably followed by incessant blinking and evasion of eye contact so as not to begin the flow of tears. We made loose plans which were never put on the calendar, creating empty hopes of another interaction, another final goodbye. All conversations rooted in the unspoken truth of I may never see you again.

Although temporarily untethered, I'm deeply tied to the neighborhood I've tenderly turned into home. I’m protective of my joyously monotonous routine, which overflows with sun-kissed greetings, salty skin, pure connections. Simple, organic happiness. My first true goodbye from something I've built and fortified all by myself. It's no wonder I carry such strong emotions, why I've evaded the processing...process. But the shoe has dropped. The tears are here. The chapter is ending. I'm writing the closing lines day by day, carefully choosing each word in preservation of the present moment. How to express my deep gratitude to these people who have changed my life?

//

The heavy fog of Chapter One lifts as I flip to the next page. Change is here and I am shifting. My insides rearrange themselves to crave human connection over an email notification. No longer tethered to unrealistic time constraints, I naturally lose track of the hour. My face relaxes into a grin when I eventually come back to my mind, wondering, yet not remembering, the last time I basked in the freedom of presence. I have been suffocating a garden of curiosity beneath the dense fog; my mind is ready to breathe. Fruitful inhales and exhales that let every part of my being know that it’s time to wake up. I see it in the flowers across neighborhoods. I taste it in my mother’s cooking. I feel it in the weight of my camera. I smell it in the morning coffee. I hear it in the birds outside my windows.

Welcome to Chapter Two.