Mel & Marty Dialogue

"I don't know...Maybe I am snobby".

"Stop calling yourself that. I don't think you're a snob."

"You don't?"

"No, snobs are assholes. And you're the nicest person I've ever met."

"Really?"

"Yea."

"Thanks."

"I'd describe you as niche. And particular."

"I guess so."

"That was a supposed to be a compliment."

"Oh. Thanks."

"I hope you don't think you deserve what just happened in there."

"It wasn't just a few people, Mel. That was the entire crowd."

"Well it was a small crowd."

"It was over 1500 people!"

"Size is relative. Are you hungry? Let's stop at the sushi place."

"Ok. It's the next exit, right?"

"Yea. Then take the first left. Don't forget your blinker this time."

"That was the only time I've been pulled over."

"And the fourth time I've seen you cry."

"I'm a Cancer."

"True."

"So if you didn't know me, and you were in the audience, would you have reacted the way everyone else did?"

"I never would've bought a ticket."

"Touché."

"You're not snobby. Why do you say that about yourself?"

"Because I hated everybody's act except mine. That's how snobs feel."

"Well what'd you hate about them?"

"Nothing was original. We've seen all this same shit a million times. There are too many singers and dancers and hoola-hoopers in this world. We need a new plague."

"Are you copywriting Dwight Schrute from The Office right now?"

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take dash Mi-"

"Alright."

"Michael was kind of a snob"

"He was a narcissist. And kind of manipulative. I feel bad for Toby."

"A snobbish narcissist."

"So you're comparing yourself to Michael Scott."

"Spiritually, emotionally, and cosmically, yes."

"Marty, you work in retail."

"Michael Scott sold paper. That's a form of retail."

"You sell handsoap. In the mall."

"Sometimes I make sales calls."

---

"The sushi was better last time."

"Yea, fish seemed fresher. Does this taste like mercury to you?" "You just need more soy sauce."

"Soy sauce makes my eyes all puffy. Remember how swollen I was last time?"

"Are you sure that was from the soy?" "Pretty sure. We'll find out tomorrow."

"Here. Eel sauce."

"That's made with soy. Can I have your ginger?"

"Yea, take all of it. Wasabi?"

"I'll have a little, but it makes my nose really runny."

"Since when?"

"Since the dawn of time. The last time I ate wasabi I had a runny nose for three days. I went through twelve tissue boxes."

"Trees must love you."

"They do. Especially the one I planted for my fifth grade graduation. Except it died by the time I reached middle school. Achoo!"

"Bless you."

"Thanks. Must've been from the ginger. It makes me sneeze."

"Sushi was created just to destroy you."

"Any more destruction tonight and I will crumble into dust. Curse you Philadelphia Roll!" "So you're still upset?"

"Not upset, Mel. Destroyed. I am no more than the ashes in that fireplace." "Our fireplace is electric."

---

"Are you crying?"

"No. It's the wasabi. Did I wake you up?" "I never fell asleep. Are you sure it's just the wasabi?" "I feel like a failure."

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

"There really is an Office quote for everything."

"Well actually Wayne Gretzky."

"True."

"You shot your shot tonight, that counts for something, and matters more than a win."

"I thought there was a thunderstorm outside the stadium tonight, but it was the crowd's boos. One of the judges gave me the finger. A little girl in the front row was crying. I thought everyone was going to love it."

"It really wasn't that bad."

"I traumatized a little girl!"

"Marty, who cares if no one tonight liked your act. Don't let this stop you from following your dream. You'll find your people and look back on this and laugh."

"Will I?"

"I think so. Remember how you found out about this talent?" "Yea. I love Reddit."

"Thousands of people are on that thread. Way more than the 1500 in the crowd tonight. Your audience is out there."

"Thanks Mel."

"You're unique. That's my final adjective."

"I'll take it."

"Good. For what it's worth, I bet you're the first Britain's Got Talent contestant to successfully train a frog to poop on command."

---